Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, at odd hours, and I cannot sleep any longer. Other times I have been awake the whole time but it seems that I clocked out somewhere with my eyes wide open and when I come to, its 3:30 in the morning.
Im burning through books, through social medias, I've baked up as much as I can muster. I've sewn myself a new purse in one day. There isn't a new job post on any of the websites I visit that I havent looked through.
Theres times that when I wake up, I think im somewhere else. Im facing a wide window on a higher floor. Theres a bathroom off to my left and its lit. I burrow under the covers happily... but what ever I expected next doesn't arrive. My real window is to my back. In my own room, there is no bathroom. Nothing to expect.
Other times I wake up thinking its a different time. Its still 2011 and things are different. Theres a future hope.
At the worst of these awakenings its terror.
I jolt awake. The panic comes in waves. In the dark without my glasses, I cant see. It only took one night like this for me to start leaving the closet light on. I rather be irritated by the light than wake in a dark room where I cant access my own safety. My own sanity.
Most nights I dont lay down until well after 3 am. I sit on my bed and will time away. I walk around my house. Its so quiet that washing my hands feels uncomfortably loud to my ears. I feel like a ghost. Filling up my cup, taking extra care to stir in my tea packet. Running my hands down the counters. I fix the curtains so the neighbors wont notice the void through the patio doors. Theres three couches in my tiny little living room. I originally bought them to accomodate my family and the friends I hoped to fill the days with. I used to have a spot on the couch. It reminds me of my favorite character from "Big Bang Theory", Sheldon Cooper. Its where I always sat. Theres so much space lately that I come to sit in each spot, if only for a few minutes. Imagining...
Theres a dozen or more notifications on my phone. I've stopped answering them. I've erased half the apps on there too. It feels useless except for the camera. Pictures to remind me of things Im not sure I can revisit easily. Pictures of memories I try to collect in the up coming weeks.
Everyones asleep. I've always had an irrational fear of my kids being harmed in their sleep. Often I would check to make sure they were still in their beds...and breathing. Now I pace their rooms. They look so different in sleep. I need to remember how tiny they really are. How gentle they were meant to be. Both girls have eyelids the color of the underside of petals...white and slightly pinkish purple... long eye lashes that brush their cheeks. And my pout. Its disarming...those two.
The night is too quiet. Pandora only plays for so long. I try not to pirate music and so I have a pretty empty itunes library. Kinda sucks to be good sometimes. The night is torture, waiting for the world to wake. It can distract me when its buzzing. But at night theres no avoiding truths. Theres no avoiding hollow voids. Theres plenty of time to think. Plenty of time to feel it all closing in.
I sleep better when the sun is shining in through my window and I know the day progresses. Life clamors outside and the world continues. Sleeping to that noise of existence is possible. Opening my eyes I know where I am. I know time hasn't stopped. The dark doesn't play tricks on me, wipping up images I wish I didn't hold so vividly.
I meant to write a different post today.
As you can tell I failed. Maybe another day. Or rather another night. The exhilaration of today has seeped out of me. Even now Im trying to extend this. If I finish it now, theres nothing left but trying to sleep. I have roughly 3 hours before the girls are awake. Its painful to rouse up energy to make it through the day with two small children and no sleep. Somehow, I rather that pain over the pain of sleeping like this.