Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Sometimes its just gonna suck...for you.

I just KNEW it was lurking around here somewhere, watching me as I hummed about the house happy about writing in a blog like everyones been telling me I SHOULD do....It was stalking me. And it didn't even give me very long before BAM...writers block.

Its not even like my life stopped giving me amazing WTF moments. It didn't. That just has no checks and balances. My ability to write them down without making it sound like I need any (more) antidepressants however? Gone.

Thats alright though. I thought it through and I realized something important.

Sometimes Im just gonna have to suck. And y'all will just have to deal with it. Suck it up buttercup. Yall read worse crap on Facebook and [Like] it.

At any rate, Im still here in Texas. Im still up till 3 am before I pass out from sheer exhaustion. My kids are still trying to test the theory that stress causes cancer and possibly throw in cardiac arrest. Which reminds me... I think I need to padlock the patio door, and install a barbed wire perimeter above the patio walls. It never fails to confound me how toddler hands lack the dexterity to pull up their pants and yet they can somehow unlock/unlatch multiple doors.

I SWEAR I watch the kid closely. Ask my neighbor, Jen. She's a witness that we were BOTH in the girls' room when we heard familiar voices outside the window realizing both our preschoolers were no longer in the room. We had that brief movie moment where we look at each other, share the same thought...and we bolted outside. Her 3 year old and my 2 year old were running around in the yard behind my house, dog in tow.

Fool one adult, shame on their multitasking abilities. Fool two adults... maybe you got lucky. Fool your mom and your friend's mom...you have skills kid.

Speaking of the dog.

We first got Cerberus when he was 4 weeks old and living in a cemetery (hence the name).  Like any other kid, Iris has always wanted to take on some of the responsibilities of owning a dog. Since she was only 3 when we got Cerb, she wasn't able to do much for a while. In the past 2-3 years shes been slowly allowed to be responsible for watering, feeding, and as of late, walking him.

Why then have I been finding Cerb staring me down, visibly crossing his hind legs?

Whilst I wake her up in the morning and then return to find a snuggly toddler in my bed, her daddy takes her to school. Since Iris is rather dependable about getting herself sufficiently ready for school, I rarely stand around watching her. I just assume she does her morning chores like shes supposed to. After all, besides hygiene and getting dressed, she only needs to walk the dog.

Apparently thats one thing too many. Shoulda realized Cerb wasn't just simply gulping down all the toilet water in sight but rather hadn't been walked when he takes a minute long whiz.

Iris's reason? I forgot.

All week long.

I think im going to invest on a surveillance camera for the house.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Theres nothing funny here today

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, at odd hours, and I cannot sleep any longer. Other times I have been awake the whole time but it seems that I clocked out somewhere with my eyes wide open and when I come to, its 3:30 in the morning.
Im burning through books, through social medias, I've baked up as much as I can muster. I've sewn myself a new purse in one day. There isn't a new job post on any of the websites I visit that I havent looked through.
Theres times that when I wake up, I think im somewhere else. Im facing a wide window on a higher floor. Theres a bathroom off to my left and its lit. I burrow under the covers happily... but what ever I expected next doesn't arrive. My real window is to my back. In my own room, there is no bathroom. Nothing to expect.
Other times I wake up thinking its a different time. Its still 2011 and things are different. Theres a future hope.

At the worst of these awakenings its terror.

I jolt awake. The panic comes in waves. In the dark without my glasses, I cant see. It only took one night like this for me to start leaving the closet light on. I rather be irritated by the light than wake in a dark room where I cant access my own safety. My own sanity.

Most nights I dont lay down until well after 3 am. I sit on my bed and will time away. I walk around my house. Its so quiet that washing my hands feels uncomfortably loud to my ears. I feel like a ghost. Filling up my cup, taking extra care to stir in my tea packet. Running my hands down the counters. I fix the curtains so the neighbors wont notice the void through the patio doors. Theres three couches in my tiny little living room. I originally bought them to accomodate my family and the friends I hoped to fill the days with. I used to have a spot on the couch. It reminds me of my favorite character from "Big Bang Theory", Sheldon Cooper. Its where I always sat.  Theres so much space lately that I come to sit in each spot, if only for a few minutes. Imagining...

Theres a dozen or more notifications on my phone. I've stopped answering them. I've erased half the apps on there too. It feels useless except for the camera. Pictures to remind me of things Im not sure I can revisit easily. Pictures of memories I try to collect in the up coming weeks.

Everyones asleep. I've always had an irrational fear of my kids being harmed in their sleep. Often I would check to make sure they were still in their beds...and breathing. Now I pace their rooms. They look so different in sleep. I need to remember how tiny they really are. How gentle they were meant to be. Both girls have eyelids the color of the underside of petals...white and slightly pinkish purple... long eye lashes that brush their cheeks. And my pout. Its disarming...those two.

The night is too quiet. Pandora only plays for so long. I try not to pirate music and so I have a pretty empty itunes library. Kinda sucks to be good sometimes. The night is torture, waiting for the world to wake. It can distract me when its buzzing. But at night theres no avoiding truths. Theres no avoiding hollow voids. Theres plenty of time to think. Plenty of time to feel it all closing in.

I sleep better when the sun is shining in through my window and I know the day progresses. Life clamors outside and the world continues. Sleeping to that noise of existence is possible. Opening my eyes I know where I am. I know time hasn't stopped. The dark doesn't play tricks on me, wipping up images I wish I didn't hold so vividly.

I meant to write a different post today.

As you can tell I failed. Maybe another day. Or rather another night. The exhilaration of today has seeped out of me. Even now Im trying to extend this. If I finish it now, theres nothing left but trying to sleep. I have roughly 3 hours before the girls are awake. Its painful to rouse up energy to make it through the day with two small children and no sleep. Somehow, I rather that pain over the pain of sleeping like this.

Friday, February 17, 2012


Generally I dread taking my kids out to McDonalds. I keep thinking about that experiment that one teacher started and then everyone followed suit with where they keep a happy meal out on their counter for years. YEARS. And the damn thing still looks like when it was first purchased. Ok maybe slightly withered, but still pretty much the same.

I keep imagining its some silicone or plastic based toy from my daughters' play kitchen and my wonderful little children eat it and it travels down their esophagus and into delicate little girl tummies and then sits there. I imagine that if I were to peek in there years later, all the acid would have failed to change the chicken nuggets and fries much. Im sure thats not how it goes. The lack of nutrition is probably more the focus here but still. Its what my mind conjures.

I was invited to hang out with a group of moms at the local Mcdonalds today to give the kids (and mommas) a chance to socialize during lunch. Lately I avoid these things too. I wasn't going to go but then Aeva ran out of her room sporting her Snow White costume, a pair of oversized heels, massive amounts of jewelry and started to 'mop' the floors.

I think that was her version of my daily routine now a days. Get dressed up...to clean the house.
Not exactly what I want my 2 year old thinking life is all about. So I coerced her in a more play friendly outfit (to which she added a tutu and halloween jewelry), and trekked out to McDonalds.
How do you know that you aren't a regular patron of McD?

You get lost for 30 minutes getting there.

Best part? I got off at the exit that sits directly next to it. And somehow missed it. Aeva passed out in the back with a crown that slid down around her eyes.
But I did it. I did the mommy thing. I paid for two meals if only because mine included coffee (coffee maker failed to brew me a cup this morning, again), and sliced apples and apple juice for Lil Bit.

Boy did she have fun. The play place wasn't too full and Aeva got into all the tunnels, waving enthusiastically from some of the little windows way up high, sliding down the slide and running back to me for juice and apple bites.
Thats when I noticed it.
I asked Lil Bit where her socks were and she answered with a pull and an "over here". I followed her to the tunnel entrance and watched Aeva disappear with in, yapping about having left her socks somewhere in the maze. As she is climbing I see the bottom of her feet are getting black from...oh Gods...the tunnels..I mean they're tiny for regular sized humans like me. But they're anti microbial right? Surely they get cleaned now and then...Whats that black stuff stuck between the bolted tunnel window and the pastic sides...It must be DEAD SKIN...millions and millions of discarded dead skin cells just sitting there, and layered all over the tunnels...touching my KID!
Just as my mind is ramping up to how not just skin cells but snot and diaper leakage must surely be encrusted all over the handles and walls and steps of the entire Plague Play Place, Aeva appears with a pair of socks.
Its time to go. Neither one of us really ate and my mind is going to make me the germaphobe Im not entirely. It takes a good deal of Purrel to ease the germ fear. At least we were somewhat normal for a good 30 minutes I think. I've done my Mommy duty. I did the right thing. I think.
At any rate I felt accomplished.

That ended shortly after I picked up Iris.

I should know better with this child. She keeps so much inside, and can at the most surprising moments, be so subtle in how she discusses deep thoughts.
Riding home she tells me how much she loves this base compared to the last one we were stationed at. She's only sorry that there isn't a school INSIDE the base, like last time.
Being in a school on base ensures that all the children that attend are also military children, and the teachers and staff are much more well versed in what military children endure than those in a school off base. Its a comfort not only to her but for me.

Iris: Do you think that there will be a school inside the base we are going to next?

She's subtle. But I catch where she's going.

Me: There may be. But we wont be living on base so you wouldn't be able to attend it anyhow.

Iris: Oh. We will be living off base. Will Daddy be living on base?

I don't want to address this right now. Im driving up to the gate guard and I am holding my soon to be gone dependent ID and my kid is rounding the corner of the worst topic now a days. The timing is not for me to decide in this however, its hers.

Me: I dont know. For a while he will be with us. Eventually we won't live in the same house.

She's very silent as we take the short drive to the housing area, passing all of her favorite stationary display airplanes.

Iris: I just wish you and daddy wouldn't divorce.

She pauses and I go to give her the standard 'I know hunny' when in a voice so quiet:

Iris: It was my biggest fear...

And this was mine. I reach over to hold her hand and its limp. Iris is never unresponsive to touch. I squeeze her hand and nothing. Her little fingers just lay open on her lap, as though asking for a different answer than what I can give. I try stroking her hand but my heart is falling quick. She's angry but she's more heart broken than upset. I feel like she's slipping away from me. Im typically so good with words but what do you say to the embodiment of your love and soul? I can't think of anything to mend this and I know it's already too late. In the back of my mind I'm thinking: She's going to hate me.

Everything I say to her next are like drops of water in a void. They get sucked away. Nothing I say about remaining friends with her daddy, or how its not her fault, and how we both love her more than anything helps. Im talking but im hearing it resounding in my head. Im Charlie Brown's teacher. No amount of Purell is going to kill the germ of pain inside of her chest. Its spreading as I see her start to cry. I can't take her home and know that none of the bad can touch her there.

I can;t reach this little one beside me. This little one who was once inside me and knew my heartbeat. My heart grows so heavy I swear it will stop.
Im doing the Mommy duty, but this time...its not the right thing. There's no accomplishments here.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Read the Signs

You know that scene in Baby Momma when Tina Fey tries to force a horse-pill of a prenatal pill down Amy Poehler's throat? She gives her water, hides it in food, holds Amy's nose and no dice. Theres just not getting her to take the pill.

Thats usually how it goes for me. I have to be on a last leg to get me to willingly take medicine. I cant tell you how many times I've come back from the pill-happy military treatment facility (Doctors office in civilian terms) with a bag full of goodies, and dumped them in the bin. I didn't get to do that today.
The clinic here is pretty tiny, but it has so many specialty clinics with in it its ridiculous.  And they all have the same procedure.

Stand here, behind this line (read the sign). Have your ID ready (read that sign too). Sit until you're called but if you're there 10 minutes after your appointment, tell someone (the sign says so). Get paperwork from THIS doctor to take to other doctors (funny enough, this doesn't have a sign. It has instructions on the paper).

I did that at the main clinic, where I was sent to the labs and read more signs about standing and sitting and waiting. The labs sent me to the referral office with more waiting and reading. On the way to the referral office I tried to do the unthinkable. I tried to take a short cut to all the standing, sitting, and waiting.
Here was my erroneous thought process:
Its a big open lobby. Theres 3 windows I have to hit and they're pretty much like the numbers on a clock face. Sign in at the pharmacy to let them know I want my meds (12 o clock). Pick up my referral at the Referral window (6 o clock). By this point pharmacy should have my prescription ready and when they call me I can pick up the goodie bag and ditch the place (3 o clock).

The referral office decided to make it interesting for me. Once I got there they gave me two papers. One with my referral. The other a paper I had to take to the doctor who just saw me, located at the 9 o clock point. Ok. Not too hard, I can still squeeze that in before my meds are ready.
Stand here, behind this line....
I havent properly filled out the paper with my name and address. Ok, I step aside to do so and when im done, theres a line.
Stand here AGAIN...behind this line....
The clerk starts to murmur about my paperwork when across the lobby at the 6 o'clock point, a pharmacist is bellowing my last name. I wave. He totally doesn't see me. I flap my arm in his direction, I cant leave! Nope. Hes too busy looking directly away from me while he butchers my name.
"Sir! Sir im over----"
"Char - lean?? Leave-an-Dowski??"
Now the clerk before me is too busy to hear me tell him that the Pharmacy needs me REAL quick. I turn back to the Pharmacist and try to catch his attention again. Nope. Course not.
Clerk is obviously unconcerned with me.
I dash across the lobby, dragging Aeva by one arm. Not at all quietly.
The pharmacist is so precious, he looks up mid yell and says: Oh...There you are!
Yes here I am, I need to be back over THERE so lets cut the chit chat and give me the goods!
At this point screw the Stand Here, Behind this Line. I skip in front of everyone annnddddd.....

The clerk that helped me is gone.

The new clerk gives me the famous 'I am not comprehending your english, please try someone else' look. So I wait. But dammit im not waiting behind the line. Im done with reading all the signs. I stand right in the middle of the lobby, away from all seating areas and lines. Aeva has collapsed at my feet crankily whining and I for once Im glad she can be so annoying. Go ahead baby girl. Let them know were here and thoroughly unthrilled at this goose chase.  Aeva needs her butt changed, I need a coffe since I fasted, and where the HELL is the clerk with my paper?

Luckily I made it out of there 10 minutes later, papers and meds in hand. Child....dragging beside me. A Whataburger trip later, Aeva is out in her toddler bed and I start to feel the effects of all 3 pills converging in my blood system. For the first time in a good while I get 45 glorious minutes of dreamless sleep.

Until of course lawn maintenance decides to detail all corners of my house, to the full enjoyment of a barking Cerb.
For someone who hates to take pills...Im surprised at my disappointment when I pick up the bottles and read: Take ONCE daily.

Know what this requires? More coffee.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

God, if you're listening... stop messing with me.

I am not sure if Divine entities read blogs or not but in the slight chance that they may:


Is there maybe a system I can do some volunteer hours on, maybe take a few sin-management classes and get my Karma slate wiped clean?
Cuz if I didn't do anything to deserve this... Y'all have a sick sense of humor.

Iris was, and in her own way, still is the easiest child to deal with. As an infant she was calm, hardly cried, potty trained easily, and was over all a part of a prank to convince me a second child would be just as peaceable.

Yep, I am talking about Aeva.
Hi mom. I was beautifying myself.

With what? Oh, this. 

No...I didn't make a mess.

I was washing dishes and I could smell peppermint. I dont use peppermint. And if anything in the house WAS peppermint...it had to be in decent quantities for me to smell it from the kitchen. Thats when the lotion covered kid walked in. Thanks Aeva. I needed a reason to interrupt my most detested chore. And do a worse one.

Iris NEVER led me to childproofing my house. Especially not after she learned at about age 2 that time outs are consequences. 

Ive had to step up my child proofing as Aeva rounds 2 and a half.

There are gummies up there. 

Certainly this isn't how she's been sneaking them lately right?

Maybe I can sell her to a carnival with this talent. 


If you ever wanted kegel exercises, this is the kid to get you to practice them. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have had to stop pee mid-stream and run out of the bathroom because I just heard something expensive being manhandled by Aeva. 
Sometimes I think my kids' father comes over to spend time with them and figures I havent done a thing all day because theres just no way to whip out the camera fast enough to document half the crap this kid does to my house. 
Im at the point where I dont even try to apologize when my kid belly flops onto her dinner plate because she figures thats how shell reach the napkin holder. Or when I walk out of Zumba because while trying to discard her pee diaper, Aeva peed on her jeans and its all over the front. And she keeps picking at it. Telling everyone we pass on the way out, that its pee. And mom just cant seem to muster a look of pity.

I could go on for chapters. Aeva has a knack for making any cake walk a slide and tumble. 

But its kind of hard to be too upset at the kid who jams two pacifiers in her mouth just to make you giggle when the rest of your Karma is trying to make you forget how to smile.

Sometimes I wonder who the parent is...

We had a 2 hour delay today due to 70 degree weather! Round of applause folks!

Texas...youre doing it wrong!

To be fair, we had some flurries yesterday evening here in good 'ol western Texas. I think maybe an inch of it stuck when I ventured out into it yesterday. With in 5 hours it had managed to melt, cause several car accidents, a two hour delay, and bridge closures.

As usual, I didnt get much sleep last night and though the delay afforded us some sleeping in...my children have built in alarm clocks. At precisely 7:30 am, Lil Bit and Big Sister both were up and at my bedside. I dragged my pillow and comforter to the general direction of the couch and made my squinty eyed way to the kitchen to prepare Aeva a bowl of cereal. As is usual I ended up staring at the coffee pot, wondering why it wasnt brewing me a mug. It takes me a while to realize .... i never remember to set it the night before. Someday...someday...

Bowl of some kind of cereal as peace offering for Aeva...I plop down on the couch and try to sneak in 10 minutes of sleep before Iris needs breakfast or Aeva throws something.

Have I ever told you how amazingly awesome these two kids are? No? You havent known me long enough.

I knocked the hell out. It was probably a good 30 minutes before I jolted awake panicking that someone was gonna set the house on fire, or worse...a neighbor would catch me sleeping on the job. What I did come to find was that Iris was dressed, had gotten her own breakfast, and was just finishing making her sister a sippy cup of juice (atleast thats what i think it was). Aeva had effectively climbed out of her high chair and come to sit on my legs while I slept.

Iris: You tired momma?

Aeva: SHH!! Momma sleepin'! Momma I sing: Some weah, over da (big pause) way higggghhhhh...an da *jarbble in the appropriate pitch and melody* dweam you dweam....

Iris: Momma shes singing you her lullabye

Me: Thats very beautiful Aeva, can you sing it again?

Remember when Aeva decided to try wiping her own ass in an attempt to get my attention? Ive been trying to not let it get that far again. So when Aeva, whom had been sent to fetch herself a pair of pants from my room came squealing "LADY BUG!!" .... i turned on my camera :)

Aeva: Dare is a LADYBUG in da ROOM!

Me: Show me

Aeva: NO...I scared.... (as she crawls into the desk cabinet and closes the door)

This is the 'ladybug'.

If you havent caught on by now, Aeva calls scary insects 'ladybug'. 
And thats a tangle of hair.

Brave child surprises me and swoops in yelling: "I get it for you momma!"

"EEk! Isa Lady BUGGG!"

"I frowe it away momma"

Ive always held that kids exhibit primarily that which they are taught through actions.  Its not what you tell them to do, or what say to them when youre 'instructing'. Its what they catch between the lines of your parenting. 
Compassion. Caring for others. Bravery. Family.

Somehow I think Im learning more about myself through these two blonde babes than through any self-help book that has been shoved my way in the past few years. 

You know what...NOW I know why Aeva calls bugs 'Ladybug'....
Her room has always been excessively decked out in ladybugs and dragonflies....trauma??

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Parental Failure

I have a lot of really awesome and supportive friends that make a gal feel confident about this whole divorce and single-mommahood thing.
They use great words like : Strong, Independent, Responsible, Innovative, Super-Mom, Intelligent, Able

Im pretty sure today was a day I crushed all those empowering words, starting when I (officially) woke up at 12:45. PM. This afternoon. Yes my friends, THATS how you get off to a good start. Let me explain.

I just dont sleep well alone. Or with a bad cough even though I have a bag of cough drops on the pillow next to me. To make matters worse Aeva likes to sneak into my bed multiple times a night. Carrying her back to her bed in the dark so she doesn't wake up involves holding back any vulgar yelps when you step on Cinderella's goddamn crown in the hallway. By the time I have backed out of her room and not only managed to slam into the closet's accordion door and my bed post because im fucking blind without glasses...Im wide awake.

All in vain. Iris and our bark-happy dog Cerb stampeded to the living room for crack-of-dawn cartoons, effectively earning me a sleepy Aeva in my bed. Sleepy toddlers like to bruise any and all tender internal organs not protected by ribs, and boobs. Toddlers love to maim boobs so that they may never be the beautiful assets they once were.

Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore I heard the front door open and Iris's happy yell for her daddy. I made a lame attempt to catch a toddler limb as Aeva slid off the bed (in case she was falling) and fell directly into deep sleep in an awkward sideways but blissfully undisturbed position. The Ex and I have made an agreement to share sleep-ins on the weekends. Saturday is MINE.

I just didn't expect to miss the entire morning. Kudos to the Ex but I woke up just in time to encounter Iris teary eyed and pouting on the couch and Aeva yelling that she didn't want to nap. This is where I ignore everything and make myself a cup of coffee.

THEN sent both kids to nap. How many words have I disgraced now? 2? 3? Lets add to that list.

I love to cook. But lately I have been cooking mostly healthy stuff (read: cardboard) so I am making an effort this week to cook things my kids ask for. Today they were getting Lasagna. Iris LOVES pasta and was hovering over me the entire time I was cooking, complimenting me and smacking her lips and over all making me feel like Momma of the YEAR.

I got too cocky. Never. Ever. Trust your kitchen 'skillz' to anything that is labeled 'no'- anything. No-boil lasagna noodles are the effin devil. I spent an HOUR assembling the most scrumptious white lasagna. It took yet another hour to bake.

Audible crunches are not acceptable when you cut into your lasagna.

Lets just say dinner was a fail. Iris, ever the sport chewed through her dinner with only minimal grimaces. She's my problem smoother. The doll even complimented me.

Aeva on the other hand laughed, climbed out of her high chair and walked back from the kitchen with a cupcake. I felt so badly about dinner that I almost let her eat it. ALMOST. Instead I did the good parent thing and took it away, telling her she could have it after she ate her lasagna filling (im not willing to risk teeth on the pasta). Thats when the wailing started.

Remember when I mentioned Aeva having an impressive volume? We had to use hand signals to instruct her to go to her room for time out till she was done. She hardly made it to the door when I hear her yell:

"I done CRYIINNNGGG!!"... amidst huge sobs.

I traded my coffee for a rum and coke.

Tonight I sat in the hallway singing Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of Somewhere over the rainbow/What a wonderful world in my cracked raspy voice, threatning any traspassing child with a 'pa-pao' (spanish for spanking). I cant tell you how many times I hummed through words and incorporated 'get back into bed!' into the song. 

I had help today. I cannot imagine what its going to be like doing it all thru on my own. Im not feeling very able, responsible, independent, intelligent or super. Only thing strong was my rum and coke. 

Friday, February 10, 2012

Crappy Day

Shit hit the fan today.
Ok, not the fan. The table.
Aeva is usually very good at getting your attention when she needs it.  She's got an extensive vocabulary and an alarming volume which she can pair up in an impressive way.

What I wouldn't have done for her to have used that today.

I must have been on the net whoring out my resume to any sugar daddy employer when I smelled the impending doom. I looked up just in time to see Aeva taking her poop covered hand and wipe out of her diaper...and onto the living room side table.

No wait it gets better.

This is what we mommies like to call 'damage control'. Our mind reels through an rolodex of emergency procedures to contain and then mitigate any situation. Solutions are rapidly picked through, considered and/or discarded at lightning speed while we swoop in with military precision upon the offender. I had this. This was a Level 2 situation. Isolate the tainted hand with one arm, bring child to the sink and disinfect hand with other arm. Once the child was cleaned up, the table could be burned  disinfected.

Aeva had other plans.

Like sweeping her bangs behind her ear. Flapping her poopy hand at the bathroom door jam. Bracing herself on the bathtub as I tear off the diaper. And rubbing her face. No...not with the clean hand. That would be too easy.

We have rapidly escalated to a Level 10 situation. Lets just say...its everywhere. And it takes more than a good 20 butt wipes on Aeva alone. Too bad its not OK to use lysol wipes on toddler bums...

Im kneeling on the 70's floor tile in my rental house watching Aeva happily splashing away in the shallow water of the tub and Im wondering where the obvious anxiety attack is. A month ago my nearly 9 year marriage reached it breaking point. I have been a house wife for the last 3 years and I am suddenly sleeping alone and heavily pushing my resume around employers in Maryland. I dont even live in Maryland, yet. My soon-to-be ex-husband is being stationed there and for the sake of 2 year old Aeva and 8 year old Iris we've agreed to have the kids and I move close to him for this one assignment. If you know anything about Maryland is that its pricey. The economy SUCKS and Im still going to college. The last few weeks I've been mentally absent from a lot of things. I've super-zoned in on getting a job and a home in Maryland which requires 8+ hours of online scouting and typing and submitting.

Its not very kid friendly. Especially when im still a house wife...mom...whatever.

So maybe shit hitting the table wasn't as much a detrimental situation as a enlightening one. Watching Aeva act like a fish and run away naked from under her Mickey Mouse towel when Im trying to dry her off I realized that the divorce paperwork wont change what responsibilities I have towards my girls. I still dont feel like I can do this properly. I dont see how I'll conquer Maryland and single mommy-hood. I definitely still dont want to sit and talk about the 'End' with my friends and family...but I think i just gotta start with what I DO have: 2 Kids and my coffee...cant forget my coffee :)