Theres nothing funny here today

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, at odd hours, and I cannot sleep any longer. Other times I have been awake the whole time but it seems that I clocked out somewhere with my eyes wide open and when I come to, its 3:30 in the morning.
Im burning through books, through social medias, I've baked up as much as I can muster. I've sewn myself a new purse in one day. There isn't a new job post on any of the websites I visit that I havent looked through.
Theres times that when I wake up, I think im somewhere else. Im facing a wide window on a higher floor. Theres a bathroom off to my left and its lit. I burrow under the covers happily... but what ever I expected next doesn't arrive. My real window is to my back. In my own room, there is no bathroom. Nothing to expect.
Other times I wake up thinking its a different time. Its still 2011 and things are different. Theres a future hope.

At the worst of these awakenings its terror.

I jolt awake. The panic comes in waves. In the dark without my glasses, I cant see. It only took one night like this for me to start leaving the closet light on. I rather be irritated by the light than wake in a dark room where I cant access my own safety. My own sanity.

Most nights I dont lay down until well after 3 am. I sit on my bed and will time away. I walk around my house. Its so quiet that washing my hands feels uncomfortably loud to my ears. I feel like a ghost. Filling up my cup, taking extra care to stir in my tea packet. Running my hands down the counters. I fix the curtains so the neighbors wont notice the void through the patio doors. Theres three couches in my tiny little living room. I originally bought them to accomodate my family and the friends I hoped to fill the days with. I used to have a spot on the couch. It reminds me of my favorite character from "Big Bang Theory", Sheldon Cooper. Its where I always sat.  Theres so much space lately that I come to sit in each spot, if only for a few minutes. Imagining...

Theres a dozen or more notifications on my phone. I've stopped answering them. I've erased half the apps on there too. It feels useless except for the camera. Pictures to remind me of things Im not sure I can revisit easily. Pictures of memories I try to collect in the up coming weeks.

Everyones asleep. I've always had an irrational fear of my kids being harmed in their sleep. Often I would check to make sure they were still in their beds...and breathing. Now I pace their rooms. They look so different in sleep. I need to remember how tiny they really are. How gentle they were meant to be. Both girls have eyelids the color of the underside of petals...white and slightly pinkish purple... long eye lashes that brush their cheeks. And my pout. Its disarming...those two.

The night is too quiet. Pandora only plays for so long. I try not to pirate music and so I have a pretty empty itunes library. Kinda sucks to be good sometimes. The night is torture, waiting for the world to wake. It can distract me when its buzzing. But at night theres no avoiding truths. Theres no avoiding hollow voids. Theres plenty of time to think. Plenty of time to feel it all closing in.

I sleep better when the sun is shining in through my window and I know the day progresses. Life clamors outside and the world continues. Sleeping to that noise of existence is possible. Opening my eyes I know where I am. I know time hasn't stopped. The dark doesn't play tricks on me, wipping up images I wish I didn't hold so vividly.

I meant to write a different post today.

As you can tell I failed. Maybe another day. Or rather another night. The exhilaration of today has seeped out of me. Even now Im trying to extend this. If I finish it now, theres nothing left but trying to sleep. I have roughly 3 hours before the girls are awake. Its painful to rouse up energy to make it through the day with two small children and no sleep. Somehow, I rather that pain over the pain of sleeping like this.

Parental Failure

I have a lot of really awesome and supportive friends that make a gal feel confident about this whole divorce and single-mommahood thing.
They use great words like : Strong, Independent, Responsible, Innovative, Super-Mom, Intelligent, Able


Im pretty sure today was a day I crushed all those empowering words, starting when I (officially) woke up at 12:45. PM. This afternoon. Yes my friends, THATS how you get off to a good start. Let me explain.


I just dont sleep well alone. Or with a bad cough even though I have a bag of cough drops on the pillow next to me. To make matters worse Aeva likes to sneak into my bed multiple times a night. Carrying her back to her bed in the dark so she doesn't wake up involves holding back any vulgar yelps when you step on Cinderella's goddamn crown in the hallway. By the time I have backed out of her room and not only managed to slam into the closet's accordion door and my bed post because im fucking blind without glasses...Im wide awake.


All in vain. Iris and our bark-happy dog Cerb stampeded to the living room for crack-of-dawn cartoons, effectively earning me a sleepy Aeva in my bed. Sleepy toddlers like to bruise any and all tender internal organs not protected by ribs, and boobs. Toddlers love to maim boobs so that they may never be the beautiful assets they once were.


Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore I heard the front door open and Iris's happy yell for her daddy. I made a lame attempt to catch a toddler limb as Aeva slid off the bed (in case she was falling) and fell directly into deep sleep in an awkward sideways but blissfully undisturbed position. The Ex and I have made an agreement to share sleep-ins on the weekends. Saturday is MINE.


I just didn't expect to miss the entire morning. Kudos to the Ex but I woke up just in time to encounter Iris teary eyed and pouting on the couch and Aeva yelling that she didn't want to nap. This is where I ignore everything and make myself a cup of coffee.


THEN sent both kids to nap. How many words have I disgraced now? 2? 3? Lets add to that list.


I love to cook. But lately I have been cooking mostly healthy stuff (read: cardboard) so I am making an effort this week to cook things my kids ask for. Today they were getting Lasagna. Iris LOVES pasta and was hovering over me the entire time I was cooking, complimenting me and smacking her lips and over all making me feel like Momma of the YEAR.


I got too cocky. Never. Ever. Trust your kitchen 'skillz' to anything that is labeled 'no'- anything. No-boil lasagna noodles are the effin devil. I spent an HOUR assembling the most scrumptious white lasagna. It took yet another hour to bake.


Audible crunches are not acceptable when you cut into your lasagna.


Lets just say dinner was a fail. Iris, ever the sport chewed through her dinner with only minimal grimaces. She's my problem smoother. The doll even complimented me.


Aeva on the other hand laughed, climbed out of her high chair and walked back from the kitchen with a cupcake. I felt so badly about dinner that I almost let her eat it. ALMOST. Instead I did the good parent thing and took it away, telling her she could have it after she ate her lasagna filling (im not willing to risk teeth on the pasta). Thats when the wailing started.


Remember when I mentioned Aeva having an impressive volume? We had to use hand signals to instruct her to go to her room for time out till she was done. She hardly made it to the door when I hear her yell:


"I done CRYIINNNGGG!!"... amidst huge sobs.


I traded my coffee for a rum and coke.


Tonight I sat in the hallway singing Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of Somewhere over the rainbow/What a wonderful world in my cracked raspy voice, threatning any traspassing child with a 'pa-pao' (spanish for spanking). I cant tell you how many times I hummed through words and incorporated 'get back into bed!' into the song. 


I had help today. I cannot imagine what its going to be like doing it all thru on my own. Im not feeling very able, responsible, independent, intelligent or super. Only thing strong was my rum and coke.