I have a lot of really awesome and supportive friends that make a gal feel confident about this whole divorce and single-mommahood thing.
They use great words like : Strong, Independent, Responsible, Innovative, Super-Mom, Intelligent, Able
Im pretty sure today was a day I crushed all those empowering words, starting when I (officially) woke up at 12:45. PM. This afternoon. Yes my friends, THATS how you get off to a good start. Let me explain.
I just dont sleep well alone. Or with a bad cough even though I have a bag of cough drops on the pillow next to me. To make matters worse Aeva likes to sneak into my bed multiple times a night. Carrying her back to her bed in the dark so she doesn't wake up involves holding back any vulgar yelps when you step on Cinderella's goddamn crown in the hallway. By the time I have backed out of her room and not only managed to slam into the closet's accordion door and my bed post because im fucking blind without glasses...Im wide awake.
All in vain. Iris and our bark-happy dog Cerb stampeded to the living room for crack-of-dawn cartoons, effectively earning me a sleepy Aeva in my bed. Sleepy toddlers like to bruise any and all tender internal organs not protected by ribs, and boobs. Toddlers love to maim boobs so that they may never be the beautiful assets they once were.
Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore I heard the front door open and Iris's happy yell for her daddy. I made a lame attempt to catch a toddler limb as Aeva slid off the bed (in case she was falling) and fell directly into deep sleep in an awkward sideways but blissfully undisturbed position. The Ex and I have made an agreement to share sleep-ins on the weekends. Saturday is MINE.
I just didn't expect to miss the entire morning. Kudos to the Ex but I woke up just in time to encounter Iris teary eyed and pouting on the couch and Aeva yelling that she didn't want to nap. This is where I ignore everything and make myself a cup of coffee.
THEN sent both kids to nap. How many words have I disgraced now? 2? 3? Lets add to that list.
I love to cook. But lately I have been cooking mostly healthy stuff (read: cardboard) so I am making an effort this week to cook things my kids ask for. Today they were getting Lasagna. Iris LOVES pasta and was hovering over me the entire time I was cooking, complimenting me and smacking her lips and over all making me feel like Momma of the YEAR.
I got too cocky. Never. Ever. Trust your kitchen 'skillz' to anything that is labeled 'no'- anything. No-boil lasagna noodles are the effin devil. I spent an HOUR assembling the most scrumptious white lasagna. It took yet another hour to bake.
Audible crunches are not acceptable when you cut into your lasagna.
Lets just say dinner was a fail. Iris, ever the sport chewed through her dinner with only minimal grimaces. She's my problem smoother. The doll even complimented me.
Aeva on the other hand laughed, climbed out of her high chair and walked back from the kitchen with a cupcake. I felt so badly about dinner that I almost let her eat it. ALMOST. Instead I did the good parent thing and took it away, telling her she could have it after she ate her lasagna filling (im not willing to risk teeth on the pasta). Thats when the wailing started.
Remember when I mentioned Aeva having an impressive volume? We had to use hand signals to instruct her to go to her room for time out till she was done. She hardly made it to the door when I hear her yell:
"I done CRYIINNNGGG!!"... amidst huge sobs.
I traded my coffee for a rum and coke.
Tonight I sat in the hallway singing Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of Somewhere over the rainbow/What a wonderful world in my cracked raspy voice, threatning any traspassing child with a 'pa-pao' (spanish for spanking). I cant tell you how many times I hummed through words and incorporated 'get back into bed!' into the song.
I had help today. I cannot imagine what its going to be like doing it all thru on my own. Im not feeling very able, responsible, independent, intelligent or super. Only thing strong was my rum and coke.