Smart Mouth for Hire

I'm sure that my neighbors must think that I am a high executive at some snazzy office in downtown DC.
After all I have all the tell tale signs:

• Every morning this week I have walked out of the apartment in a business suit, hair pulled back, large stack of papers in a file, laptop case, mug of coffee, and huge dark tint sunglasses. 
• I'm often found checking my iPhone and imputing some quick notes.
• I don't smile. 
• I arrive home looking slightly wrecked but still monkey-suited, coffee mug in hand. 
• If you catch me any time after that, I'm in jeans and a tee and no shoes (damn those heels!) looking slightly bewildered. 

I mean, I'm only guessing but from what I've glimpsed in DC those fellas are no joke. They walk brisk. They look intense, and there's always the suits, coffee, and cases.
I could be completely wrong though because if anyone takes my above description and labels me one of the elite DC-tonians (is that the term?!) then I'm sure I'm wrong too because:

• The suit and accessories are for the 3 billion interviews/job fairs I have attended this week. 
• I check my iPhone for the time. Then check it again because I didn't actually note the time. Then turn it back on to figure out where the hell I'm supposed to be going anyhow. 
• Smiling implies happiness. I. AM. NOT. HAPPY. Something about trying to sell myself off like a hooker to some executive or his minion isn't appealing to me. I save my smiles for the line-up.
• I arrived wrecked possibly because I'm sure Ive shook hands with at least 40 different possible employers and had to put on the charm each time. Its exhausting. And germy...I'm also possibly wrecked because Ive attempted to tear off my coat jacket while driving down I295 and failed. Managing to extract one arm while doing the driver's side shimmy isn't easy but its apparently entertaining to fellow traffic members. 
• Anything remotely normal and requiring no acting skills has become suspicious. What do you MEAN I can just walk up to the mail box and no ones going to question me where I see myself 5 minutes after retrieving the junk mail? Or why I believe I'm the best choice for it? Its because there are bills in this stack ...AREN'T THERE?!

Here's a little thing I have learned about job fairs. They're like cheap and/or free advertising for big companies. It must be. Otherwise why would they sit there with all the advertising propaganda and sales schpeals but no job applications. All the online job fair tips Ive read tell you to bring as many copies of your resume as you can carry without your arms falling off, yet when you meet with a representative they hand you a card/flyer and tell you that they don't accept resumes in person. You must log on and put your resume on their data base, in case they have an opening. So why even come out to the job fair if they're not offering interviews and aren't willing to take your printed sales pitch? At the end of the day I was loaded up on corporate goodies which I shoved into some company's printed tote and left with maybe 6 or 7 less resumes than I arrived with.

I'm trying not to despair... but I'm not fond of the circus act. Why cant I just get paid for being witty and sitting at home sipping coffee all while browsing pinterest?

That's right. Because I got fired from being a SAHM :/

Someone pass me a beer.