Saturday, April 6, 2013

Because its all just funny now

It has come to my attention, once again, that my life's events are a source of amusement for my fellow friends and audience.

Im glad my continued series of unfortunate events is a cause of laughter for all you lucky fuckers.

At any rate, it helps me to look back at bad moments and see the humor in it all because quite frankly if I dont see it that way ill end up crying into my beer mug while I pop anti-psychotics.

Let me just say that I suck at dating. Maybe it was the near 10 years of married life that ruined the fun and lightness of dating...but I think I need training wheels. First off, I am coming to the realization that I dont know dating from DATING. 99.99% of Maryland and its surrounding states participate in what I fondly consider 'Serial Dating'. Its like speed dating but good gods much more a waste of time and make up. Seems to me that men around here like to just have a new piece to take around every other day and even at the ripe age of 33 (yes fuckers thats RIPE), they still think that running around Fells Point drunk off their asses and without a single plan to settle down is 'living it up'...cuz you know...they're young. And free. Like the 21 year old in the alley puking their brains out.
No thanks. Ill pass.
But that doesn't keep me from having sat at home alone the entire weekend for lack of a worthwhile level-headed date. It just made me feel all the more doomed in this wretched state.

Forgive me for thinking dating should have an end purpose at my age?

So lonely pathetic weekend aside, I was excited to start my new work week because tuesday was Opening Day for us at the office and I was on the planning party for the past month.

Mention Opening Day and everyone gives you a glossy eyed look. Call it 'Hot Dog Day' and suddenly everyone is tracking.

Being that location wise Im closer to Camden Fields than what ever the name of the other baseball team 's field in Washington is...I purchased an Orioles t-shirt thing. And Chucks. If you know me you know that personally I only every wear chucks or flip flops. And Im a huge Chuck Taylors fan. It only took me 18 months to finally purchase the right pair this time! In essence I was stoked to go in on tuesday even though I knew id be there from 8 am till 11 pm serving up hot dogs and trimmings to nearly a thousand employees.
Being Monday night facing a 14-15 hour shift, a girl needs her sleep right?

Yea you know whats coming.

I thought at first that it was my crappy AC's condenser protesting loudly. I open the door to the utility closet and behold: The water heater is pissing on my closet wall. By the looks of it, it had to go something fierce.
Gets better.
Just last month maintenance carved a huge hole RIGHT on the wall the water heater was relieving itself on. Which opened up into my kitchen. Which connects to my livingroom. Which is carpeted.

I honestly considered just closing the door and going to bed and hoping that when I woke up in the morning, the water heater had cleaned up its mess and left an apology letter.

Thats when it started to hiss.

Needless to say I didn't know how to turn the water main off, maintenance wasn't answering, and I huddled in my kids' rooms sure that the big hunk of pressurized metal would blow up, tear a hole in the floor beneath me and kill us all.

Maintenance man only took 4 hours to drain the thing, letting me wearily climb in to bed by 1am. To wake at 530.

Funny enough, 'Hot Dog Day' was smooth as ever. Every one ate and was happy, volunteers were a plenty, I got off at 10 instead of 11 and the girls only got to stay with me at work till 830 when their father came by and picked them up for me. Even though maintenance had to break my lock (they lost my master key) in order to replace my heater, I somehow still got someone to get me new keys fairly easy and pain-free at 11pm when I got home.

You're looking for that other shoe to drop huh?? Boy was it ever a drop.

Heres the other thing I learned this week. Happy Thoughts BITE.

Wednesday morning started off amazing. Should of been my first hint but I brushed it off as just good Karma for a difficult week and a great Opening Day. I should of DEFINITELY seen it coming when I got near prime parking at work where we somehow fit 600 cars in a lot meant for 100. And thats after the clown-car maneuver.

There I was in beautiful weather coming in later in the morning, coffee in hand, suitcase slung over a shoulder smiling up into sunshine. Looking up at the company building I was momentarily filled with joy of the job I have, the opportunities it gives me and the great business we run. I was smiling a little dopily reflecting at how no matter how crappy everything else in my life may be I still LOVED my coworkers and jo----


Concrete meet Sherlin's toe, knee, and BACK OF HER HAND.
Sherlin, hope your meeting made an impact. On your dignity.

And newly exposed dermis.

That other shoe to drop was actually my lead foot catching on the uneven concrete mere feet from my office door. My coffee flew straight out of my hand, showering the sidewalk before me in a perfect arch. My right knee forcefully kissing the concrete to avoid falling on my bad left hip. I think my left hand was all "hell if you think IM gonna break your fall!" and turned inward allowing the back of my wrist and hand to do a marvelous slide across the rough pavement as though it was completing a homerun. To add insult to injury, my laptop bag then slipped across my back and hit me on the side.

There I lay, crumpled on the ground, ass in the air. And customers filing past me.

Not gonna lie. I got up and scrambled through the office doors like Igor, dragging the leg I was sure had just lost its knee cap.

Open the door and theres the VP sitting at my desk, and a full audience behind him. Im pretty sure my shirt had hiked up well past my midline and theres no way my injured shuffle was attractive. Sitting facing away from the crowd, I think I made my colleague nauseous by the way he pointedly looked away and instead dumped the contents of a first aid kit beside me.

To make matters worse, after cleaning up the seeming unending streak of blood running down my hand and leg, and making sure the toe turning purple wasn't properly broken,  I got told to drive myself to Concentra Urgent Care. Well, so much for prime parking. And concern?

Theres just nothing worse to make you feel like a total idiot than to have to explain to your bosses, coworkers, nurses, and anyone else who sees your zombie-ish wounds that you did indeed acquire such injuries like most young kids do. Walking. And tripping. On a sidewalk.

"Hey remember that time you were walking and then ate pavement?"

1 comment:

  1. I don't know when you'll see this, but I am retarded and left my phone at home by accident. If you want to get ahold of me, just email me at my display name. Happy Hump Day :-)