Burning chicken, naked dashes, and falling in your dreams

This lack of sleep is fucking with me.

There I was in the shower, tipping my head back and soaking my hair when I smelled something delicious cooking.

'Mmmm roast chicken?' I think. 'Cat,' My neighbor 'must be cooking something yummy...its kinda late though' 11:15 pm to be exact folks

'And isn't she leaving at 4 am for a conference?...'  And then it hit me. "Oh SHIT!"

I was boiling chicken in stock for enchiladas tomorrow. I cant even remember when I put the pot to the heat so images of charred chicken catching fire and turning my kitchen into a fire pit inferno had me dash out of the shower without so much as squeezing water out of my hair. Although come to think of it, I could of used the 5 gallons of water my long hair was soaking up. Thankfully I grabbed a towel because as I mad dashed across my living room and dining room I could clearly see my neighbors out my back patio doors since I have YET to fix the curtain rod. I do hope they forgive how often I dash about inappropriately dressed at night I keep forgetting to fix my curtains.

Oh and the chicken was fine. Low on water but perfectly cooked. Enchiladas are still on for tomorrow!

Its not like I don't get sleepy. I do. Its just that freakishly vivid nightmares and jolts keep me up. I didn't go to sleep till 5am yesterday (its now 1:13 on Friday*Update* Its now 3:52 am while I edit...I got distracted). I've been timing myself between sleeping bouts so I can catalogue how much sleep I actually get, and 10 minutes into closing my eyes I woke up to my fist narrowly missing my face. Nightmare evasive maneuver? Maybe. You know those dreams where you wake up feeling like you were falling and you momentarily spasm? Thats what I did, just a little more thrashing hence the flying fist.
A few night ago I had a dream where tornadoes were ravaging the area where Aeva and I were at. Inside the building we took refuge in, I was somehow aware that I wasn't going to survive it and that depending on how well I took position with Aeva would define wether my dead body would cover her from building fragments or suffocate her. Last night I dreamt she HAD somehow suffocated and my attempts to save her failed miserably. Other dreams involve losing Iris. Or reenactments of the BreakUp. Or other crazy emotionally painful scenarios my brain comes up with.

Sometimes Im so exhausted I try to nap when Aeva does. Dreams seem to be more vivid then, with shorter sleeping spurts so that I rely on a constant stream of texts and notifications to routinely wake me. Which is why I sleep with my phone in my hand. I've often gone through my phone later and realized I texted people back with one eye open and no coherency. If this is you...my apologies. (PS i prolly didn't mean any of it unless its hilarious. If so, please share)

Im fairly certain that coffee has become onto water for me. It doesn't do a damn thing against this constant exhaustion.

It does have its upside though. I get lots of laundry done between midnight and 5 am. I also get time to paint my nails. Waste time on Pinterest (its been so LONG since i've made a project off of there!!) and read. Sadly none of this helps wind me down enough to fall instantly into deep sleep.

On a slightly related note... Seems while Im having trouble going to and staying asleep,....

Aeva doesn't seem to realize when she's walked 10 feet in the direction opposite her bed and passed out, or

tucked and rolled off. 

Yes. Its messy. Its a kids room. They do something called 'playing'...and I don't always play maid right away.

Maybe Iris is the only normal of our trio...she's in there somewhere with 20 teddies and 3 blankets. But at least she SLEEPS.

Grow the Fuck up fellow Yogis

Without going into detail, today has been full of angst, excitement...and utter frustration. Normally I am decent at handling stress. I can become angry or determined and in both instances I get stuff done. The other side of that coin is when all this stress comes with a rope around both my hands. And feet. And today, a gag. It may sound like some frisky and freaky bedroom venture, but I assure you were sadly far from THAT.

My ortho surgeon doesn't approve but I go to Yoga 2-3 times a week. I wish I could say that it has helped my injuries and strengthened my muscles but really I think its given me more like iron lungs (breathe! the teacher yells, BREATHE! how the hell when im upside down and contorted?!) and strong ish legs. As in I can now stand in a squat and not utterly die with in 10 seconds.

None the less, I go to yoga because it helps center me when I manage to clear out my head from all the crap that collects there daily. It also lets me exert a decent amount of frustration. Its odd, I know, because its supposed to be a flowing sorta thing. I more like flop. Maybe thats where my heart rate goes haywire.

Going into class, 2 or 3 women were having a discussion concerning small children. Soon an older man and two much younger women chimed it.

It took reminding myself that i dont want to go to jail to keep from unleashing a torrent of  anger on the people in that class. Heres a few choice excerpts of their conversation:

"I absolutely hate when parents bring their stupid snot nosed kids to a restaurant. I mean REALLY! Keep those things home till they're old enough to know how to stay quiet"

"Oh if MY kid EEEVVVERRR got even slightly loud in a restaurant, I would slap the ever loving crap out of them and *snaps fingers* we'd be OUT of there!"

"I just dont understand why parents are so much about bringing their babbling kids to restaurants. No one wants to hear them!"

"I believe people with children should just stay home!"

"I have actually asked to be MOVED when ever I get seated next to kids, like uh uh! waiter, I am NOT paying good money to sit by THOSE"

"Kids dont belong in restaurants!"

"People shouldn't be allowed to chose how many kids they have, what for? They're just annoyances! I say they get snipped against their will at 2 kids!"

What has society come to? Do they not realize that they were kids once too?? That children, unlike 'adults', are unable to regulate their emotions? That they're not keen to social clues? That most of the time they're just so damn excited to be sitting down at a table with many others around and food they aren't accustomed to having at home? How, pray tell, do these 'adults' expect children, whose synapses are merely just beginning to take on more controlled functions and higher thinking skills, to do things that even THEY cannot do?

Let me tell you something about these 'adults'. They're worse than kids.

You, skinny broad that complained about kids making noises and disrupting your 15 dollar fucking meal....YOU piss me off every goddamn time you GRUNT and breathe so damn heavy I can hear you across the room because you happen to think its cute and you need everyone to notice you pulling off a perfect plank. Good job. You have muscles that hold up your 80 lb frame. How about muscles to control your damn tongue?

Or YOU, elderly 'gentleman' who complains about kids being rude and obnoxious...how come when you farted not ONCE not TWICE but 4 times in a row in a very quiet room did you not excuse yourself? I've met toddlers with more decency. Next time at least try to pass gas when were not all on the ground doing breathing exercises. And for GODS SAKE, excuse yourself.

Then theres YOU, woman who obviously cant remember having kids (or maybe you were never blessed with them...which is probably a good thing). You're the type who parties too hard, who drinks too heavy and regrets everything she does in her inebriated state but yet never learns consequences. You're not able to keep yourself in check...but you DARE to criticize parents that are probably so tired from properly raising happy healthy children that they decide to treat themselves and their children to dinner out??

Dear college student. Dont open your fucking mouth. I hear enough about your weekend escapades, your supposive dislike of being 'hit on by like omg every guy in a 20 mile radius!'. You have more need for attention than the toddler who is beaming over handling spaghetti on his own.

I went into class today utterly exhausted from an emotionally draining day. I felt like a failure of a woman, an adult, and parent.

I ended up disgusted by the realization that I am not as bad off as the people my children will be sharing social and physical space for the rest of their lives.

Every time we went into child's pose, sitting back onto our heels, foreheads touching the ground, hands extended before us...I thought about my children. About how these 'adults' were once children, in poses much like this one. Vulnerable. Innocent. Bowed down by a world that has lost the meaning of the joy of raising a child as a community...and not shunning it.

I came away from my mat today completely devoid of energy. I spent my whole hour watching adults make childish movements, comments, and decisions. As I pressed my hands to my mat, hoping to connect to the world around me,...I realized the world around me cares not for one another.

I came home to hear even worse news. My bubbly Aeva had been told by an elderly woman at Ihop to shut up.

Shut.
Up.

She told her to be quiet. To stop talking. She CLAPPED HER HANDS at her...like she would at a DOG.

If I have one thing to be proud and grateful for in my Ex this week...its that he told the woman to shut the fuck up herself.

Granted I would of preferred to do more but this is probably why I was in Yoga trying not to go to jail over hypothetical children. Iris was completely upset and confused as to why anyone would treat her sister like that. She was after all "just being a lil kid, momma...she cant help it."

Dear adults of the world. You've got a lot of growing the hell up to do.

I hope you stay in your goddamn houses until you are wise enough to be social assets. Instead of just asses.

Sometimes its just gonna suck...for you.

I just KNEW it was lurking around here somewhere, watching me as I hummed about the house happy about writing in a blog like everyones been telling me I SHOULD do....It was stalking me. And it didn't even give me very long before BAM...writers block.

Its not even like my life stopped giving me amazing WTF moments. It didn't. That just has no checks and balances. My ability to write them down without making it sound like I need any (more) antidepressants however? Gone.

Thats alright though. I thought it through and I realized something important.

Sometimes Im just gonna have to suck. And y'all will just have to deal with it. Suck it up buttercup. Yall read worse crap on Facebook and [Like] it.

At any rate, Im still here in Texas. Im still up till 3 am before I pass out from sheer exhaustion. My kids are still trying to test the theory that stress causes cancer and possibly throw in cardiac arrest. Which reminds me... I think I need to padlock the patio door, and install a barbed wire perimeter above the patio walls. It never fails to confound me how toddler hands lack the dexterity to pull up their pants and yet they can somehow unlock/unlatch multiple doors.

I SWEAR I watch the kid closely. Ask my neighbor, Jen. She's a witness that we were BOTH in the girls' room when we heard familiar voices outside the window realizing both our preschoolers were no longer in the room. We had that brief movie moment where we look at each other, share the same thought...and we bolted outside. Her 3 year old and my 2 year old were running around in the yard behind my house, dog in tow.

Fool one adult, shame on their multitasking abilities. Fool two adults... maybe you got lucky. Fool your mom and your friend's mom...you have skills kid.

Speaking of the dog.

We first got Cerberus when he was 4 weeks old and living in a cemetery (hence the name).  Like any other kid, Iris has always wanted to take on some of the responsibilities of owning a dog. Since she was only 3 when we got Cerb, she wasn't able to do much for a while. In the past 2-3 years shes been slowly allowed to be responsible for watering, feeding, and as of late, walking him.

Why then have I been finding Cerb staring me down, visibly crossing his hind legs?

Whilst I wake her up in the morning and then return to find a snuggly toddler in my bed, her daddy takes her to school. Since Iris is rather dependable about getting herself sufficiently ready for school, I rarely stand around watching her. I just assume she does her morning chores like shes supposed to. After all, besides hygiene and getting dressed, she only needs to walk the dog.

Apparently thats one thing too many. Shoulda realized Cerb wasn't just simply gulping down all the toilet water in sight but rather hadn't been walked when he takes a minute long whiz.

Iris's reason? I forgot.

All week long.

I think im going to invest on a surveillance camera for the house.

Theres nothing funny here today

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, at odd hours, and I cannot sleep any longer. Other times I have been awake the whole time but it seems that I clocked out somewhere with my eyes wide open and when I come to, its 3:30 in the morning.
Im burning through books, through social medias, I've baked up as much as I can muster. I've sewn myself a new purse in one day. There isn't a new job post on any of the websites I visit that I havent looked through.
Theres times that when I wake up, I think im somewhere else. Im facing a wide window on a higher floor. Theres a bathroom off to my left and its lit. I burrow under the covers happily... but what ever I expected next doesn't arrive. My real window is to my back. In my own room, there is no bathroom. Nothing to expect.
Other times I wake up thinking its a different time. Its still 2011 and things are different. Theres a future hope.

At the worst of these awakenings its terror.

I jolt awake. The panic comes in waves. In the dark without my glasses, I cant see. It only took one night like this for me to start leaving the closet light on. I rather be irritated by the light than wake in a dark room where I cant access my own safety. My own sanity.

Most nights I dont lay down until well after 3 am. I sit on my bed and will time away. I walk around my house. Its so quiet that washing my hands feels uncomfortably loud to my ears. I feel like a ghost. Filling up my cup, taking extra care to stir in my tea packet. Running my hands down the counters. I fix the curtains so the neighbors wont notice the void through the patio doors. Theres three couches in my tiny little living room. I originally bought them to accomodate my family and the friends I hoped to fill the days with. I used to have a spot on the couch. It reminds me of my favorite character from "Big Bang Theory", Sheldon Cooper. Its where I always sat.  Theres so much space lately that I come to sit in each spot, if only for a few minutes. Imagining...

Theres a dozen or more notifications on my phone. I've stopped answering them. I've erased half the apps on there too. It feels useless except for the camera. Pictures to remind me of things Im not sure I can revisit easily. Pictures of memories I try to collect in the up coming weeks.

Everyones asleep. I've always had an irrational fear of my kids being harmed in their sleep. Often I would check to make sure they were still in their beds...and breathing. Now I pace their rooms. They look so different in sleep. I need to remember how tiny they really are. How gentle they were meant to be. Both girls have eyelids the color of the underside of petals...white and slightly pinkish purple... long eye lashes that brush their cheeks. And my pout. Its disarming...those two.

The night is too quiet. Pandora only plays for so long. I try not to pirate music and so I have a pretty empty itunes library. Kinda sucks to be good sometimes. The night is torture, waiting for the world to wake. It can distract me when its buzzing. But at night theres no avoiding truths. Theres no avoiding hollow voids. Theres plenty of time to think. Plenty of time to feel it all closing in.

I sleep better when the sun is shining in through my window and I know the day progresses. Life clamors outside and the world continues. Sleeping to that noise of existence is possible. Opening my eyes I know where I am. I know time hasn't stopped. The dark doesn't play tricks on me, wipping up images I wish I didn't hold so vividly.

I meant to write a different post today.

As you can tell I failed. Maybe another day. Or rather another night. The exhilaration of today has seeped out of me. Even now Im trying to extend this. If I finish it now, theres nothing left but trying to sleep. I have roughly 3 hours before the girls are awake. Its painful to rouse up energy to make it through the day with two small children and no sleep. Somehow, I rather that pain over the pain of sleeping like this.

Fears

Generally I dread taking my kids out to McDonalds. I keep thinking about that experiment that one teacher started and then everyone followed suit with where they keep a happy meal out on their counter for years. YEARS. And the damn thing still looks like when it was first purchased. Ok maybe slightly withered, but still pretty much the same.

I keep imagining its some silicone or plastic based toy from my daughters' play kitchen and my wonderful little children eat it and it travels down their esophagus and into delicate little girl tummies and then sits there. I imagine that if I were to peek in there years later, all the acid would have failed to change the chicken nuggets and fries much. Im sure thats not how it goes. The lack of nutrition is probably more the focus here but still. Its what my mind conjures.

I was invited to hang out with a group of moms at the local Mcdonalds today to give the kids (and mommas) a chance to socialize during lunch. Lately I avoid these things too. I wasn't going to go but then Aeva ran out of her room sporting her Snow White costume, a pair of oversized heels, massive amounts of jewelry and started to 'mop' the floors.

I think that was her version of my daily routine now a days. Get dressed up...to clean the house.
Not exactly what I want my 2 year old thinking life is all about. So I coerced her in a more play friendly outfit (to which she added a tutu and halloween jewelry), and trekked out to McDonalds.
How do you know that you aren't a regular patron of McD?

You get lost for 30 minutes getting there.

Best part? I got off at the exit that sits directly next to it. And somehow missed it. Aeva passed out in the back with a crown that slid down around her eyes.
But I did it. I did the mommy thing. I paid for two meals if only because mine included coffee (coffee maker failed to brew me a cup this morning, again), and sliced apples and apple juice for Lil Bit.

Boy did she have fun. The play place wasn't too full and Aeva got into all the tunnels, waving enthusiastically from some of the little windows way up high, sliding down the slide and running back to me for juice and apple bites.
Thats when I noticed it.
NO. SOCKS.
I asked Lil Bit where her socks were and she answered with a pull and an "over here". I followed her to the tunnel entrance and watched Aeva disappear with in, yapping about having left her socks somewhere in the maze. As she is climbing I see the bottom of her feet are getting black from...oh Gods...the tunnels..I mean they're tiny for regular sized humans like me. But they're anti microbial right? Surely they get cleaned now and then...Whats that black stuff stuck between the bolted tunnel window and the pastic sides...It must be DEAD SKIN...millions and millions of discarded dead skin cells just sitting there, and layered all over the tunnels...touching my KID!
Just as my mind is ramping up to how not just skin cells but snot and diaper leakage must surely be encrusted all over the handles and walls and steps of the entire Plague Play Place, Aeva appears with a pair of socks.
Its time to go. Neither one of us really ate and my mind is going to make me the germaphobe Im not entirely. It takes a good deal of Purrel to ease the germ fear. At least we were somewhat normal for a good 30 minutes I think. I've done my Mommy duty. I did the right thing. I think.
At any rate I felt accomplished.

That ended shortly after I picked up Iris.

I should know better with this child. She keeps so much inside, and can at the most surprising moments, be so subtle in how she discusses deep thoughts.
Riding home she tells me how much she loves this base compared to the last one we were stationed at. She's only sorry that there isn't a school INSIDE the base, like last time.
Being in a school on base ensures that all the children that attend are also military children, and the teachers and staff are much more well versed in what military children endure than those in a school off base. Its a comfort not only to her but for me.

Iris: Do you think that there will be a school inside the base we are going to next?

She's subtle. But I catch where she's going.

Me: There may be. But we wont be living on base so you wouldn't be able to attend it anyhow.

Iris: Oh. We will be living off base. Will Daddy be living on base?

I don't want to address this right now. Im driving up to the gate guard and I am holding my soon to be gone dependent ID and my kid is rounding the corner of the worst topic now a days. The timing is not for me to decide in this however, its hers.

Me: I dont know. For a while he will be with us. Eventually we won't live in the same house.

She's very silent as we take the short drive to the housing area, passing all of her favorite stationary display airplanes.

Iris: I just wish you and daddy wouldn't divorce.

She pauses and I go to give her the standard 'I know hunny' when in a voice so quiet:

Iris: It was my biggest fear...

And this was mine. I reach over to hold her hand and its limp. Iris is never unresponsive to touch. I squeeze her hand and nothing. Her little fingers just lay open on her lap, as though asking for a different answer than what I can give. I try stroking her hand but my heart is falling quick. She's angry but she's more heart broken than upset. I feel like she's slipping away from me. Im typically so good with words but what do you say to the embodiment of your love and soul? I can't think of anything to mend this and I know it's already too late. In the back of my mind I'm thinking: She's going to hate me.

Everything I say to her next are like drops of water in a void. They get sucked away. Nothing I say about remaining friends with her daddy, or how its not her fault, and how we both love her more than anything helps. Im talking but im hearing it resounding in my head. Im Charlie Brown's teacher. No amount of Purell is going to kill the germ of pain inside of her chest. Its spreading as I see her start to cry. I can't take her home and know that none of the bad can touch her there.

I can;t reach this little one beside me. This little one who was once inside me and knew my heartbeat. My heart grows so heavy I swear it will stop.
Im doing the Mommy duty, but this time...its not the right thing. There's no accomplishments here.

Read the Signs

You know that scene in Baby Momma when Tina Fey tries to force a horse-pill of a prenatal pill down Amy Poehler's throat? She gives her water, hides it in food, holds Amy's nose and no dice. Theres just not getting her to take the pill.

Thats usually how it goes for me. I have to be on a last leg to get me to willingly take medicine. I cant tell you how many times I've come back from the pill-happy military treatment facility (Doctors office in civilian terms) with a bag full of goodies, and dumped them in the bin. I didn't get to do that today.
The clinic here is pretty tiny, but it has so many specialty clinics with in it its ridiculous.  And they all have the same procedure.

Stand here, behind this line (read the sign). Have your ID ready (read that sign too). Sit until you're called but if you're there 10 minutes after your appointment, tell someone (the sign says so). Get paperwork from THIS doctor to take to other doctors (funny enough, this doesn't have a sign. It has instructions on the paper).

I did that at the main clinic, where I was sent to the labs and read more signs about standing and sitting and waiting. The labs sent me to the referral office with more waiting and reading. On the way to the referral office I tried to do the unthinkable. I tried to take a short cut to all the standing, sitting, and waiting.
Here was my erroneous thought process:
Its a big open lobby. Theres 3 windows I have to hit and they're pretty much like the numbers on a clock face. Sign in at the pharmacy to let them know I want my meds (12 o clock). Pick up my referral at the Referral window (6 o clock). By this point pharmacy should have my prescription ready and when they call me I can pick up the goodie bag and ditch the place (3 o clock).

The referral office decided to make it interesting for me. Once I got there they gave me two papers. One with my referral. The other a paper I had to take to the doctor who just saw me, located at the 9 o clock point. Ok. Not too hard, I can still squeeze that in before my meds are ready.
Stand here, behind this line....
I havent properly filled out the paper with my name and address. Ok, I step aside to do so and when im done, theres a line.
Stand here AGAIN...behind this line....
The clerk starts to murmur about my paperwork when across the lobby at the 6 o'clock point, a pharmacist is bellowing my last name. I wave. He totally doesn't see me. I flap my arm in his direction, I cant leave! Nope. Hes too busy looking directly away from me while he butchers my name.
"Sir! Sir im over----"
"Char - lean?? Leave-an-Dowski??"
Now the clerk before me is too busy to hear me tell him that the Pharmacy needs me REAL quick. I turn back to the Pharmacist and try to catch his attention again. Nope. Course not.
Clerk is obviously unconcerned with me.
I dash across the lobby, dragging Aeva by one arm. Not at all quietly.
The pharmacist is so precious, he looks up mid yell and says: Oh...There you are!
Yes here I am, I need to be back over THERE so lets cut the chit chat and give me the goods!
At this point screw the Stand Here, Behind this Line. I skip in front of everyone annnddddd.....

The clerk that helped me is gone.

The new clerk gives me the famous 'I am not comprehending your english, please try someone else' look. So I wait. But dammit im not waiting behind the line. Im done with reading all the signs. I stand right in the middle of the lobby, away from all seating areas and lines. Aeva has collapsed at my feet crankily whining and I for once Im glad she can be so annoying. Go ahead baby girl. Let them know were here and thoroughly unthrilled at this goose chase.  Aeva needs her butt changed, I need a coffe since I fasted, and where the HELL is the clerk with my paper?

Luckily I made it out of there 10 minutes later, papers and meds in hand. Child....dragging beside me. A Whataburger trip later, Aeva is out in her toddler bed and I start to feel the effects of all 3 pills converging in my blood system. For the first time in a good while I get 45 glorious minutes of dreamless sleep.

Until of course lawn maintenance decides to detail all corners of my house, to the full enjoyment of a barking Cerb.
For someone who hates to take pills...Im surprised at my disappointment when I pick up the bottles and read: Take ONCE daily.

Know what this requires? More coffee.

God, if you're listening... stop messing with me.

I am not sure if Divine entities read blogs or not but in the slight chance that they may:

WHO THE HELL DID I PISS OFF??

Is there maybe a system I can do some volunteer hours on, maybe take a few sin-management classes and get my Karma slate wiped clean?
Cuz if I didn't do anything to deserve this... Y'all have a sick sense of humor.

Iris was, and in her own way, still is the easiest child to deal with. As an infant she was calm, hardly cried, potty trained easily, and was over all a part of a prank to convince me a second child would be just as peaceable.

Yep, I am talking about Aeva.

Hi mom. I was beautifying myself.

With what? Oh, this. 

No...I didn't make a mess.

I was washing dishes and I could smell peppermint. I dont use peppermint. And if anything in the house WAS peppermint...it had to be in decent quantities for me to smell it from the kitchen. Thats when the lotion covered kid walked in. Thanks Aeva. I needed a reason to interrupt my most detested chore. And do a worse one.

Iris NEVER led me to childproofing my house. Especially not after she learned at about age 2 that time outs are consequences. 

Ive had to step up my child proofing as Aeva rounds 2 and a half.

There are gummies up there. 

Certainly this isn't how she's been sneaking them lately right?

Fuck. 

Maybe I can sell her to a carnival with this talent. 

(KIDDING!)

If you ever wanted kegel exercises, this is the kid to get you to practice them. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have had to stop pee mid-stream and run out of the bathroom because I just heard something expensive being manhandled by Aeva. 

Sometimes I think my kids' father comes over to spend time with them and figures I havent done a thing all day because theres just no way to whip out the camera fast enough to document half the crap this kid does to my house. 

Im at the point where I dont even try to apologize when my kid belly flops onto her dinner plate because she figures thats how shell reach the napkin holder. Or when I walk out of Zumba because while trying to discard her pee diaper, Aeva peed on her jeans and its all over the front. And she keeps picking at it. Telling everyone we pass on the way out, that its pee. And mom just cant seem to muster a look of pity.

I could go on for chapters. Aeva has a knack for making any cake walk a slide and tumble. 

But its kind of hard to be too upset at the kid who jams two pacifiers in her mouth just to make you giggle when the rest of your Karma is trying to make you forget how to smile.